Hey beautiful! I'm Danielle. I started this cause because I get it & i completely understand the feelings and emotions of a girl. I am tired of hearing about young females (& boys too) who are limiting themselves in what they do or are committing suicide because they have a negative image of theirselves. Most often this is a result of being bullied or society has told you to feel this way. Well, I say society and bullies can my fat ass! I understand though. We can only take so much pain. Pain can kill us. Most people dont know me or where I came from or how I became the woman I am now. Im sure when this story gets out and around my town that many people will have something stupid or negative to say about me. I don't care. I'm doing this for you: thie girl who has nobody that understands, the girl who is lost, the girl who is planning her suicide because she is so damn tired of life, the girl who has been bullied and felt ugly and told herself she's worthless all her life, and I'm not doing it for those who cause US to feel that way. When we feel dead on the inside why in the world should we care about life?! We just need 1 friend to be here for me but often we dont even have that cuz everyone views us as an outsider and they think they're better than me. You see?? I understand; here's my story:
I grew up in a small town. There you were either the popular crowd or the "other people". The other people: we come from broken homes & shady backgrounds & we were judged for it. It didnt matter who we were on the inside just what THEY saw. I was fat. All my life Ive been fat. My mother is too and father wasnt fat but he wasnt skinny either. I grew up hearing my father tell my mom all the time she was fat, and her short hair made her look like a bull dike. So even as a smaller child I had an image planted in my mind of what I was supposed to look like, implanted in my mind by my father. Skinny with long flowing hair. That is not what I looked like. I had long hair, true, but I was fat. And I just happened to be the biggest girl in my grade.
When I was 11 my parents got a divorce. I remember sitting in my closet and he aring my mother agree with my father that she was abandoning me & my brother. The rest of the convo I dont remember; all that stuck in my head was "ABANDON" I didnt know what my brother & I did to her to make us not want us anymore but moreso, I thought it was my fault. When we are kids we dont really understand these situations or the real reasons why they are happening.
In primary school, there were no issues. Once we got to elementary and people started seeing people as cool, pretty, skinny, rich, poor, popular, trash, fat, ugly, dorky stupid, and smart is when the issue arrised. Well, I was fat and certainly not rich or even the smartest. So began the buullying. I cant tell you how many times in an hour I got called a fat ass or fat bitch or an ugly fat girl. It wore me down. I had one friend and she was a victim of bullying also. But we still had each other. I rode the bus. All they way home Id have to hear people talking about how fat I was. In the school bathroom one day while I was peeing, I remember 2 girls talking about me. now i dont know if they knew I was in there or not: its irrelevant. And I rmember who they were. In fact, one of em is on my personal facebook page now. haha I'll get into that later. They said, "god, you know Danielle? I'm glad I'm not fat like her." the other girl said, "yea my mom says fat people are gross and that we gota take care of ourselves or we not ever gona be popular." "She's ugly too" "yea cole makes fun of her all the time, it cracks me up" "yea i like that one bout her gettin in the pool and all the water splashin out cuz she's fatter than a whaale". This was the first time that I actually realized that not only talked bad TO me but they talked bad ABOUT me when I wasnt there. Am I gross, really? This is actually the easiest thing I heard throughout my school life. I tried to tell teachers but back then bullying was "just the way kids are, honey" and "turn the other cheeck" adn "theyre just jealous of you". WHAT BULLSHIT ALL THAT WAS! And omg...when my parents got divorced: it was my fault cuz my mom couldnt stand the sight of my ugly fat ass and she didnt want me cuz I was unlovable, etc. So, on top of how I felt on the inside of it being my fault my classmates were all telling me it was. Hell, my cousins too. I was nothing on the inside. I rmember the first day when I woke up asking God to let me die. There is nothing I have to live for and if he was real, he'd take my pain away. I attended church regularly too. I got bullied at the damn church house so I quit going. When I was 12 I cut myself for the first time. On the leg and it felt sooooo good to take my internal pain and make it external that everyday all day i was a slicing away. In the bathroom at sschool, at home, and even on the bus. If I couldnt get ahold of my knife I use anything. a screw sticking out of the bus wall, that jagged edge of the bathroom stall: anything. Nobody knew. I started smoking weed and meth. regularly. so my cutting addiction turned into a drug addiction also. When I was bouta get out of jr high I decided that enough was enough. If they wanna bully me I'll just whoop their ass. SO in return I became violent. I didnt take no shit. Id pop someone in a second for looking at me wrong cuz I wasnt going to take it no more. I had a friend; her step sisters were horrible to her. she was bullied and called names at school then had to go home and deal with it there too. i didnt understand y 1 of her stepsisters bullied her cuz she was fat too but she thought she was better than my friend. the day she broke down & told me she had her suicide planned was the first day I lashed out. I was pissed. This girl is awesomeon and absolutely gorgeous and she stayed strong and true to herself even after losing her mom to cancer and these bitches are gonna be wat kills herr? i dont fuckin think so. that's when i started taking up for myself and her and i quit being a bystander. I didnt believe my life was worth living but i believed hers was and I wasnt gonna lose her.I still didnt love myself or was proud of who I was. I just considered it "surviving". The older i got the more my mom told me the truth about why they divorced so slowly that wound was healing. In high school, at the drug house btw, I met a guy who was infatuated with me. It was really the first guy who made me think there was something beautiful about me. I had dealt with my step mothers death and my grandfathers in the same month and he was there for me. Somebody really loves me? I gotta be worth something, even if its small. I started coming into my own image. Started realizing who I was and who I wanted to be. I was 17! it took me 17 years to finally realize that I must not be that bad....i'd been doing drugs, drinking, cutting, and praying to god to kill me for 7 years. I read a book called "Go Ask Alice" I dont know what it was about the book or even if it was the book at all but something on the inside sparked for me. I started believning I was great. When I graduated high school I was so proud of myself simoply because I felt I had survived. By that time though I had lost my childhood best friend and had a new best friend. I stuck to her like gluue. She was who I wanted to be like. confident and strong minded. she didnt know i felt like that. she has a wonderful personality, curly red hair, and nobody fucked with her. we are still best friends her son is my godson. It was her friends and family that let me know my worth. my father had sat back n realized that I needed image boosting and he was always telling me I could be anything I wanted as long as i set my goals high. Her friends..gosh...her friends were nuts. They and I..we were "the others" but we fucking loved it. hahaha. I was confident in who I ws by the time i hit 21. It took me believing enough was engough and being absolutely tired of bein a victim and surroounding myself with people who understood me and didnt judge me. Between my boyfriend and our friends, some of who were older than us, constantly letting me know I was attractive I believed it. I was finally the confident strong woman I wanted to be. I didnt care that I was fat cuz I finally realized that there are ppl out there who also dont care that im fat.
back to the ppl on my fb. ive let it go. part of me wants em on there so they can see for themselves that i survived them & they essentially made me a stronger person.
Now, Im 27. I've survived school. I'm still surving life. I was raped 2 years ago. It sent me into another bout of cuttting myself and wanting to die. of course, i got talked about and i deserved it. even grown, ppl still run thier fuckin mouths. I been diagnosed bipolar, schizophrenic, & borderline personality disorder. but i didnt lose myself. i survived! im still surviving. ya cant get me down now. i have enough confidence & strength nowadays to give u some. I want you to survive like I did. Our stories & life arent exactly the same but i get the pain & loneliness. So, I started this cause & campaign for you. Please dont kill yourself. Im here I can help you. I'll talk to you every damn day 4 times a day if its wat it takes. You're not alone.